there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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