This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
