So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
