my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
