I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
