once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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