Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
