drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
