I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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