don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
