we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
