I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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