I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
