hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
