hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
