I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
