careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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