Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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