If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize