I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
