Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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