just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
