His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
