Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
