This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
