Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
