Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
