As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
