I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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