Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
