at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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