I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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