I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
