It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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