so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
