super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
