the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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