i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
