After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
