Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
