it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
