i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
