I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
