Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
