if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
