is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You are a genius and a whore.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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