so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I need moral support for this bender
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
where are my eyebrows?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
