you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
