on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
pray to the hookup gods
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
