So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
