And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
this just has baby written all over it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
