Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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