my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
3pm strippers are depressing
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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