Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize