dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
