nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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