what day is it and did you see me today?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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